I recently delivered a workshop at a blood donor centre on a topic called Difficult Donors.
In the room were donor staff and their manager — people who show up every day to support others, often in emotional moments.
One of the key challenges they shared was how uncomfortable it can feel when they have to turn a donor away. From the donor's perspective, they've made the effort to come in, they're ready to help, and then suddenly… they're told no.
That moment — right there — is a disrupted expectation.
And as we spoke about it, you could feel a shift in the room. Not because the situation changed. But because the understanding did.
What is a disrupted expectation?
At its simplest: a disrupted expectation is when reality doesn't match what we expected.
It sounds simple. But it shows up everywhere. And it often carries emotion with it.
Where this shows up in everyday life
You don't need to be in a blood donor centre to experience this. It happens all the time.
- A colleague reacts differently than you thought they would
- A child doesn't listen after you've clearly explained something
- A patient or client responds in a way you didn't expect
- An umpire makes a call that doesn't go your way
In each of these moments, there's a gap between what we expected… and what actually happened. And it's in that gap where emotion lives. Frustration. Confusion. Disappointment. Sometimes even anger.
A moment that caught me off guard
I remember taking my son to his community kinder. We'd been told his kinder day was still going ahead, even though there were talks of a curriculum day at the deaf school.
I drove him there after an appointment, got to the door… and was met with a confused staff member. “Why are you here?”
Turns out, the kinder was open for community kids, but not for the deaf and hard-of-hearing children, as their teachers weren't present. Expectation: Kinder is on. Reality: Kinder is not on. Disrupted expectation.
It threw the day off. It created confusion. But after a moment to pause, I was able to reframe it. We turned it into a dad-and-son day. Caught up with my wife for lunch. Went for a bike ride. Slowed things down. Same situation. Different response.
So, what can we actually do in these moments?
Here are three simple tools you can use straight away.
1. Your first word should be a breath
Before reacting… pause. Even just for a second. That breath creates space between what just happened… and how you respond. It's small. But it changes everything.
2. Choose curiosity over judgement
Instead of “Why would they do that?” try “What might be going on here?” Curiosity lowers emotion. Judgement fuels it.
3. Reframe the situation
Ask yourself: “Is there another way to look at this?” Sometimes there is. Sometimes there isn't. But even asking the question helps shift your mindset.
A reflective pause
When was the last time your expectations were disrupted? What did you do in that moment? And what would have changed if you had paused, got curious, or looked at it differently?
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