The Conversation You Keep Putting Off... And How to Finally Have It.

You want to give someone feedback. You're nervous, but it matters. It could help them grow.

So what do you do? You pick up the phone and call a colleague.

“Hey, I need to talk to someone about this. Can I run it by you?”

You're not stalling. You're being thoughtful. Getting perspective. Making sure you handle it right.

So you workshop it. One person, then another. You gather opinions. You test the waters. You build your case.

Then, sometime later, the person finds out. Not from you. From someone else. Or they piece it together from conversations that stop when they walk in the room.

They feel it immediately. Betrayal. Exposure. The sting of being talked about instead of talked to.

You weren't trying to hurt them

Here's the thing. You had good intentions. You genuinely wanted to handle the feedback well. You thought getting input would make the conversation better, clearer, fairer.

But what you actually did was create distance. You told multiple people about the issue before you told the person it affected. You made them the last to know.

Now trust is broken. Not because of the feedback. Because of how you delivered it — or how you didn't.

They're thinking: Why didn't they come to me first? Why did they need to tell everyone else? What does that say about how they see me?

They feel judged. Discussed. Left out.

Feedback is a gift

Here's what I know from working with leaders: feedback isn't criticism. It's a gift.

Good leaders get this. They don't give feedback because they're frustrated. They give it because they want the other person to grow. To see something about themselves they missed.

When you come from that place — genuine care — you don't need to workshop it with five other people. You don't need validation. You don't need to build a case.

You go direct. You sit down. You say: I noticed something, and I'm telling you because I want to help you be a better version of yourself.

That's the conversation.

The real question

Before you pick up that phone to call a colleague, ask yourself this:

Am I doing this from a place of care, or am I doing this from frustration?

If you're seeking validation from others before you talk to the person, you're not clear on your intention yet. You're still in doubt. Still in frustration.

When you're genuinely coming from care, you don't need permission. You know why you're doing it. You're offering a gift.

And gifts don't need committee approval.

Good leadership is service

The leaders who build trust aren't the ones who avoid difficult conversations. They're the ones who show up directly, with care, and offer feedback as service — not judgment.

When you create that environment — where feedback is safe, where people know you're coming from wanting them to grow — everything shifts. The team opens up. People take more risks. They admit mistakes because feedback isn't punishment. It's growth.

But it starts with you getting clear on your intention.

Before you workshop it with anyone. Before you build your case. Before you pick up that phone.

Are you doing this because you care about this person's growth? Or because you're frustrated and need validation?

If it's care, go have the conversation. Direct. Honest. Kind.

If it's frustration, wait. Cool down. Get clear. Then go.

Either way, skip the middlemen. Feedback is best delivered one-on-one.

The question for you

So here's what I'm curious about: do you see this in your workplace? People workshopping feedback with everyone except the person who needs to hear it?

Or have you figured out a way to make direct feedback the norm?

Drop a comment below. I want to know what you're seeing in your team. What's one conversation you've been avoiding?